Looking for some critiques/comments on my Leona fanfic

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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012

I'm right now 7 chapters into my Leona-centric fanfic (I plan on 12), but since I had to reupload it in a new topic recently, I'm looking to get it some new votes/comments/reviews.

The fanfic is presently located here: http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/....php?t=1784157

Here's a brief summary.

Quote:
The Dragon of Desolation

One thousand years ago, the wicked and powerful black dragon Plagueis was slain in battle by the original Solari hero. In the present day, Karthus resurrects the dragon in a plot to add him to his undead army, but Plagueis proves too powerful to be controlled. Unable to kill the undead beast, the Institute of War's Summoners trap Plagueis in his lair and are forced to induct him into the League of Legends, hoping to find a way to destroy him. When Plagueis proves nigh unstoppable even against the League's best Champions, Leona must step forward to confront this great evil and defeat him. But can she defeat the dragon as her predecessor was able to, or will Plagueis reign supreme throughout Valoran?
Ironstylus said he'd have a look at my fanfic a while back (check here for his post), but he hasn't posted any comments for it, AFAIK, so I have to assume he kinda dropped the ball on me.

Any comments, poll votes, etc., that I can get will be appreciated. I'll be keeping this bumped so people can see it.

EDIT: Oh, and did I mention that the antagonist of this fanfic, Plagueis the Vile, is an undead dragon that could give Alduin a run for his money?
EDIT2: Added a basic summary.

***Don't troll here. This topic isn't hurting anyone.***


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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012

Since Ironstylus dropped the ball on me (AFAIK), I'll really appreciate it if any other red gives my Leona fic a read and perhaps gives it a comment.


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nyttyn

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Senior Member

02-09-2012

Oh boy. Let's handle this one thing at a time.

Quote:
1. Plagueis (my OC) is MEANT to be hugely overpowered in the story. Basically no Champion, even with their usual limiters removed (i.e. Jax with a real weapon, Xerath at full power, etc.), would be able to take him in a one-on-one fight, and he can easily go toe-to-toe with an enemy team in a 5-on-1 fight and WIN!

Oh god, my Mary sue sensors are running rampant.
2. Items found in the game don't make an appearance in the story. Champions gain power as they fight in the Fields of Justice, which equivocates to them getting levels and items. Otherwise, however, they only have what they bring with them. Summoner Spells still exist.
This contradicts point 4

3. Injuries are to be more realistic in this story compared to gameplay; certain hits can be instantly fatal. Additionally, some Champions are strong against others, especially in the case of elemental advantages (i.e. Brand is strong vs. Ashe, but weak vs. Malphite).
Noooo you're doin it wrooong.

4. Champions may have special techniques they can use that are not seen in gameplay. This can compensate for the aforementioned lack of items.

This is fine, I suppose. So long as we dont get ka-me-ha-me-has. But why have no items if you're assuming they're getting as powerful as they would without items?

5. No, this is not a Shyvana fic; she gets one appearance, but that's it.

6. Expect plenty of Skyrim references; in particular, Plagueis will make use of Draconic Words of Power on occasion (primarily as a plot device).
:< WHYYY
The prolouge is absolutely LOADED with purple prose. While this isn't a bad thing when a tale is being told by a narrator or someone who is obviously looking to give reality a edge of flair, it seems like here that you're having words just for the sake of words. Also, whoever this hero guy is, if he can take something on who's "the most powerful being in valoran," it makes you wonder what that makes him. A void denizin?

Chapter 1 improves dramatically in terms of purple prose. No overbearing descriptions, always good. ...And then you go right back to purple prose in the second section. You don't NEED to overdescribe things if nothing's going on. Plagueis REALLY likes the world Yes. Reminds me of M. Bison. We get a good insight into the dragon's overall viewpoint, but at the same time, it gets a bit repetitive.

Chapter 2....Well, i'm surprise the league didn't limit his power, to say the least. That's a bit of a OOC moment for the league. Dohavakiiiin. Mostly fight fight fight. There's a interesting plot arc brought up with Syvana, but then I go :< because I know it's not going to come up again.

Chapter 3 starts off with more purple prose. It's getting better, but you're still going slightly overkill with the fancy words methinks. Leona using Lux's full name is a good nod to her noble persoanlity. Yay for pantheon being a jerk! Corki isn't using his usual jibberish, and that makes me sad. Lux avoids Garen, so minus points for breaking lore.

Chapter 4...Well, Leona is a noob for not using her ult properly. WENCH! Less of the description overkill. You overuse the word relic though.

Chapter 5 explains the earlier OOC moment with the league, which is good. Otherwise this is a pretty idle chapter. not much to say.

Chapter 6 went on for longer then it needed to. Yessss, we get it, Plageuis is a utter badass who has a short temper. Lux becomes a plot cupon. Sudden lesbian shower scene.

Chapter 7 was good, but the purple prose returrns! More borderline lesbianism! A epic battle is about to commence. And urgot is a robot.


Overall, I liked it, but the lesbian smut seemed to sudden, too many yessses, Paleguis is overhyped, and there's a bit too much purple prose.


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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by nyttyn View Post
Oh boy. Let's handle this one thing at a time.

The prolouge is absolutely LOADED with purple prose. While this isn't a bad thing when a tale is being told by a narrator or someone who is obviously looking to give reality a edge of flair, it seems like here that you're having words just for the sake of words. Also, whoever this hero guy is, if he can take something on who's "the most powerful being in valoran," it makes you wonder what that makes him. A void denizin?

Chapter 1 improves dramatically in terms of purple prose. No overbearing descriptions, always good. ...And then you go right back to purple prose in the second section. You don't NEED to overdescribe things if nothing's going on. Plagueis REALLY likes the world Yes. Reminds me of M. Bison. We get a good insight into the dragon's overall viewpoint, but at the same time, it gets a bit repetitive.

Chapter 2....Well, i'm surprise the league didn't limit his power, to say the least. That's a bit of a OOC moment for the league. Dohavakiiiin. Mostly fight fight fight. There's a interesting plot arc brought up with Syvana, but then I go :< because I know it's not going to come up again.

Chapter 3 starts off with more purple prose. It's getting better, but you're still going slightly overkill with the fancy words methinks. Leona using Lux's full name is a good nod to her noble persoanlity. Yay for pantheon being a jerk! Corki isn't using his usual jibberish, and that makes me sad. Lux avoids Garen, so minus points for breaking lore.

Chapter 4...Well, Leona is a noob for not using her ult properly. WENCH! Less of the description overkill. You overuse the word relic though.

Chapter 5 explains the earlier OOC moment with the league, which is good. Otherwise this is a pretty idle chapter. not much to say.

Chapter 6 went on for longer then it needed to. Yessss, we get it, Plageuis is a utter badass who has a short temper. Lux becomes a plot cupon. Sudden lesbian shower scene.

Chapter 7 was good, but the purple prose returrns! More borderline lesbianism! A epic battle is about to commence. And urgot is a robot.


Overall, I liked it, but the lesbian smut seemed to sudden, too many yessses, Paleguis is overhyped, and there's a bit too much purple prose.
Wow, nice review. Thanks.

I've never heard of the term "purple prose" until now, but I see why you used it. I guess making extravagant descriptions is a weakness of mine, but that's what I get for reading Bernard Cornwall's King Arthur Trilogy. He uses purple prose in SPADES. That said, I'll keep that in mind in future chapters.

Same thing on the repetitiveness. I'm afraid it's just something I do unconsciously; high-functioning Autism (a.k.a. Asperger's Syndrome) tends to cause that.

As for the "yeessss", that is because Plagueis is meant to mirror the personality of Megatron from Beast Wars. Megs had a tendency to say "yeessss..." just to make himself look like an eloquent badass, and I loved his character.
---You can check out a video on Youtube of Megatron here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWWXw5SMIP0

As for other nitpicks:
- I simply could not resist the Skyrim references in my fanfic. IT'S SUCH A GOOD GAME!

- Lux's disdain toward Garen is sorta based off FrostMagi's little manga found in the Lore Discussion board. And it was more of a "enough with your constant patriotism" thing in Lux's head; she had had enough for one day.

- What I meant by point 4 was that the Champions could use techniques and abilities that you don't see in gameplay. For example, Lux could use her light magic to turn herself invisible, or Wukong (doesn't appear in my story) could use multiple clones in combat to trick his enemies or perform a multi-pronged attack. The same thing goes for that light beam Leona tried against Plagueis in Chapter 4; she doesn't have that move in the game, as it's something she would only use in desperation. (Also, they were inside a dark cave, so Leona couldn't use Solar Flare; she can only use it outdoors.)

- Point 3 might seem wrong, but most Champions would be skilled enough to avoid or deflect instantly-fatal blows. That said, I would also make it a point to keep the number of cheap-shot instakills very low.

- Sorry about Corki's lines. I don't play him, so...

- The "lesbian shower scene" was from watching too many particular anime scenes. I simply could not resist the temptation of making it, though I did my best to also make it a slight character development moment for Lux. It's certainly gotten me some odd looks, though.

And don't worry; I never intended for Plagueis to be unbeatable. He's just really frickin' powerful!

Again, thanks for the review. I'll be posting it in my fanfic topic, if you don't mind.


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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012

I still needs more!


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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012

More bump.


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Crisischild

Senior Member

02-09-2012

Does Leona get with Panth?

Does their baby mandrop in from the sun and one shot the bad guy?

I need a short summary to draw me in man, you gotta read the back cover of the book first.


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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crisischild View Post
Does Leona get with Panth?

Does their baby mandrop in from the sun and one shot the bad guy?

I need a short summary to draw me in man, you gotta read the back cover of the book first.
Finished making it. Hopefully this will draw in a few people.


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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012

Ironstylus seems to make a point of ignoring my requests about this fanfic...

=_=


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Youso1337

Member

02-09-2012



Is asking for reviews in GD useless?


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