"Hi guys, I'm BotRK. I'm UP now."
This is the sequel to the popular BotRK thread, go read it here! Also, apologies for the extreme wordiness.
Attachment 647056 That’s odd. There hasn’t been a single team that’s tried to kill me for like a week now. Lee Sin Attachment 647075 doesn’t even try to solo me at 20 minutes anymore, didn’t BotRK get buffed again?
Attachment 647058 You rang?
Attachment 647056 Ah, speak of the devil! BotRK, what’s going on? I literally haven’t seen a single champion come through here, not once in a whole week! What gives? Didn’t you and everyone else get buffed again? Usually Warwick Attachment 647090 or somebody would be all up in my sh** right about now.
Attachment 647058 Yeah… you obviously haven’t heard. A lot has changed since then.
Attachment 647056 Huh? Do elaborate.
Attachment 647058 Well… last week Xypherous Attachment 647093 found all the Demonstones and gave them to Xelnath Attachment 647091, who opened up the hellgates, releasing every single god forsaken OP item this game has ever seen.
Attachment 647056 Even the teabags Attachment 647055?
Attachment 647058 Those were dark times, my friend.
Attachment 647056 Damn. But that doesn’t explain much.
Attachment 647058 I’m getting to that. After that whole fiasco, the rest of us items decided to form a union to stop this kind of thing happening again. We contacted Riot about it, unfortunately our timing was most poor. Xypherous was into the bath salts again, and he responded by nerfing everyone.
Attachment 647056 Ouch. So… how hard did you get hit?
Attachment 647058 Man, I got off easy. They reduced my stats a bit, and they changed my recipe. Now instead of building out of Bilgewater Cutlass Attachment 647057, I get Zephyr’s Attachment 647094 old recipe.
Attachment 647056 JEEZ, you call that getting off easy?! I’d HATE to see what they did to everyone else.
Attachment 647089 It’s so horrible… *cries*
Attachment 647056 Warmog’s? What did they do to you?
Attachment 647089 *sniff* They removed my passive regen, but it’s not just me. Any item that gives you health permanently taunts minions as soon as you get within sight! Purple caster minions are ****in’ OP man, I can’t get away from them!!!
Quit your complaining, you got a slap on the wrist!
Attachment 647056 Who’s there?
Attachment 647065Attachment 647080Attachment 647068Attachment 647054
Attachment 647056 The Gold per 10 guys? What happened to you?
Attachment 647068 Oh god, I can’t take this… *goes off to cry in a bush*
Attachment 647054 Boo-hoo! Bawwwww! *great heaving sobs*
Attachment 647080 …It’s like we’re living in a nightmare that we can’t wake up from.
Attachment 647056 Okay guys you’re really scaring me. Where did the man touch you?
Attachment 647065 …Well, they made all our gold passives stronger and non-unique…
Attachment 647056 Uh… so?
Attachment 647080 …But in order to use us, you have to install EA’s Origin service on your computer and pay for us with real cash.
Attachment 647056 OH GOD THE HUMANITY
Attachment 647065 I haven’t slept in days. There are toddlers out there who are racking up thousands of dollars on their parents’ credit card bills, man. Do you know what it’s like to have to live with that on your conscience?!
Attachment 647056 Oh man, I’m gonna be sick… Blargh!
Attachment 647085Attachment 647060 *Executed!*
Attachment 647056 Uh… I had no idea he was standing there.
Attachment 647058 So that’s where he was this whole time! After they nerfed Malady Attachment 647109, Nashor’s Tooth Attachment 647110 and Liandry’s Torment Attachment 647108, it’s like he just lost all hope… He just wandered off into the wilderness and nobody ever saw him after that. Crikey, look at him! He’s as thin as Karthus Attachment 647069!
Attachment 647086 It’s not just Teemo. A lot of champions are displaying signs of depression and psychosis. And the general level of QQ in the game is going off the charts.
Attachment 647056 Bloodthirster? You don’t seem to be in too bad of shape.
Attachment 647086 Yeah, well… they didn’t actually go ahead and nerf me outright. For starters they reduced my combine cost down to just 50, then they increased the amount of stats gained per kill…
Attachment 647056 Yeah?
Attachment 647086 …But now I only gain stacks from killing buff monsters, you and dragon, turrets and champions.
Attachment 647056 …
Attachment 647086 So in a way I’m directly responsible for one of the most toxic environments this game has seen in a long time. Top laners and Adc’s are actually taking Smite Attachment 647111 now just so they can steal buffs easier - even from their own junglers. If supports accidentally steal even one kill from their Adc people fly off the handle. And Darius Attachment 647061 - well, Darius players are just universally hated now.
Attachment 647056 Hey, look there - is that… is that Ryze wearing a Rabadon’s Deathcap?
Attachment 647058Attachment 647086Attachment 647065Attachment 647089 OH SHI- [wall of text warning - skip ahead if you wish]
Attachment 647082Attachment 647083 Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Poppy and Warwick of a personal Jesse Perring quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miss Fortune with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast Elo hell to heaven so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labors left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Teemo and Cho'Gath it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men that as a result of the labors unfinished of Teemo and Cho'Gath it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Poppy and Warwick it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labors of Singed and Gragas left unfinished for reasons unknown of Teemo and Cho'Gath left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Teemo and Cho'Gath that man in Essy that man in short that man in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation wastes and pines wastes and pines and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts penicillin and succedanea in a word I resume flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham namely concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell fades away I resume Fulham Clapham in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Bishop Malzahar being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head approximately by and large more or less to the nearest decimal good measure round figures stark naked in the stockinged feet in Demacia in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there and considering what is more much more grave that in the light of the labors lost of Skarner and Pantheon it appears what is more much more grave that in the light the light the light of the labors lost of Skarner and Pantheon that in the plains in the mountains by the seas by the rivers running water running fire the air is the same and then the earth namely the air and then the earth in the great cold the great dark the air and the earth abode of stones in the great cold alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something the air the earth the sea the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold on sea on land and in the air I resume for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell I resume alas alas on on in short in fine on on abode of stones who can doubt it I resume but not so fast I resume the skull fading fading fading and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis on on the beard the flames the tears the stones so blue so calm alas alas on on the skull the skull the skull the skull in Demacia in spite of the tennis the labors abandoned left unfinished graver still abode of stones in a word I resume alas alas abandoned unfinished the skull the skull in Demacia in spite of the tennis the skull alas the stones Cho'Gath…
Attachment 647088 HIS HAT! GET HIS HAT!
Attachment 647083 …Unfinished!
Attachment 647089 Avenged!
Attachment 647088 Give me that! Attachment 647082
*stomps furiously on the hat*
There's an end to his thinking!
*stomps off angrily*
Attachment 647056 Just what the hell was that?
Attachment 647058 For some weird reason, after the nerfs everyone who wears Rabadon's Deathcap simply goes insane. They start thinking aloud, rambling incomprehensible nonsense; now every mage is a walking global taunt.
Attachment 647056 That was an ordeal. Why in heavens is Ryze wearing Rabadon's Deathcap anyway?
Attachment 647086 He can't help it, his core item was nerfed to hell.
Attachment 647056 Oh? Which one? Frozen Heart? Tears of the Goddess? Muramana?
Attachment 647086 No. This.
Attachment 647056 ... Ouch.
Attachment 647086 It’s not that bad, you should have seen Swain Attachment 647096. He became so useless he literally just keeled over one day.
Attachment 647089 Oh yeah. What were his last words?
Attachment 647086 I dunno, “Rosebud” or something. Probably some obscure reference that nobody gets.
Attachment 647095 (I get it...)
Attachment 647056 Okay, so bruisers get bullied by minions, mages have gone bat-sh*t insane, what about junglers?
Attachment 647058 It’s the strangest thing. Most of the junglers in this game have been admitted into mental institutions. Half of them have recurring nightmares about running into stone walls repeatedly while trying to gank, and the other half are suffering from hallucinations of a giant obnoxious parrot Attachment 647067 flying around squawking about Leona Attachment 647114. Medical experts Attachment 647097Attachment 647098Attachment 647072 believe the cause may be brain tumours brought about by exposure to radioactive materials. Attachment 647076
Attachment 647058 Some of us call it the Jar-Jar-Binks phenomenon.
Attachment 647056 And the Adc’s?
Attachment 647058 What about them? With all their items nerfed most of them can’t even function anymore. On the other hand, Ashe Attachment 647116 is starting to see more play since most Adc’s can’t deal damage anymore.
Attachment 647056 Oh god, don’t mention Ashe again or I won’t be able to stop laughing… Ahahahaha…
Attachment 647086 Still, I don’t think anyone would want to trade what they have with the supports.
Attachment 647056 Oh, I almost forgot about supports. What happened to them?
Attachment 647086 Well, you know the Total Biscuit of Rejuvenation Attachment 647087? They got Morgana Attachment 647079 to start baking those.
Attachment 647056 Eugh. That can’t be pretty.
Attachment 647086 Yeah, nobody uses Kog’Maw Attachment 647074 anymore because every support with a biscuit can do the same thing he does.
Attachment 647056 You know, most of you guys don’t seem too beat up about this, considering.
Attachment 647058 Well, we were at first. But, let’s just say that when you’ve seen true suffering, it really puts things in perspective.
Meanwhile at Ionia General Hospital
Attachment 647097 In all my years I’ve never seen anything so sick and twisted.
Attachment 647098 Does Xypherous’ cruelty know no bounds?
Attachment 647072 It’s unprecedented, it’s diabolical. The world has never faced anything of this calibre.
Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647125Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084 OH MY GOD IT BUUUURNS!!! HELP MEEEE!!!
Attachment 647071 GAREN!
Attachment 647077 Doctor! What is happening to my brother?!
Attachment 647072 Miss Crownguard, your brother has been spamming Sunfire Capes so much this past week (and neglected showering), the Capes have actually fused with his body becoming a secondary layer of skin. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, unfortunately after Xypherous nerfed everything, Sunfire Capes now also deal damage to its user.
Attachment 647098 Is there nothing we can do, doctor?
Attachment 647072 I’m afraid so. Those Sunfire Capes simply deal too much damage. No surgeon would be able to last more than a minute in the same room as him. You would have to have a massive amount of magic resistance and health regeneration to be able to withstand all that heat!
Attachment 647097 DAMN YOU RIOT! IF ONLY YOU DIDN’T REMOVE FORCE OF NATURE Attachment 647063! DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEELL!!!
Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647125Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084 IT BURNS! IM IN SO MUCH PAAAAIN!!!
Attachment 647059 Attachment 647066
Attachment 647061 I wouldn’t wish this on anyone… much less such a worthy adversary.
Attachment 647072 I’m afraid he doesn’t have much time left, soon the flames will consume him leaving nothing behind but a husk of cinders… hey you! Stop playing that Dark Souls™ soundtrack! Security, get those Purple Caster Minions out of here!
Attachment 647081 THE HEALTH STACKER MUST DIEEEE
Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647125Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084 MY PRINCE, I AM FOREVER LOYAL TO YOU!!!
Attachment 647122 Comrade!!!
Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647125Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084 KATARINA, IM SORRY, I ONLY LIKED YOU AS A FRIEND!
Attachment 647070 WHAT?!
Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647125Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084 LUX, MY DEAR SISTER, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, I LOVE YOUUUU!
Attachment 647078 ONII-CHAN!!!
Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647125Attachment 647084Attachment 647084Attachment 647084 ARGHHHH FAK U MOARJELLOOOO!!!
Attachment 647070 BURN IN HELL YOU DIRTY SIS-CON!
- I'm sorry for Ryze's giant wall of text, but I felt like I had to include it. Ryze's speech is from Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot. You can watch the original performance here.
- Epic Dark Souls soundtrack
Attachment 647061 Draven! Stop doing dirty things to Garen's dead body!
Attachment 647082Attachment 647062 HUEHUEHUE
I stopped reading halfway, it stopped being funny there. You took too long in making any point.
Not really as funny as the shorter, more-to-the-point ones. Still very good though :>
I lol'd at that "I know how you feel" pic
I lost it at EA's Origin service.
haha this was great
Sounds like Season 4 to me at the rate Riot's changing this game
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