How to play every character in the League in a paragraph or less
Akali: Hextech gunblade then drop your cute little "If I jump in this circle thing, I'm invisible" spell then watch as everyone stands in it and waits for you to tear them to pieces. Then, after you hit a quadrakill, easily pick off the last champion.
Alistar: Slam+flash+headbutt. Throw your enemies to the wolves (your teammates) and watch as they get devoured.
Amumu: There's a reason you've been banned from every ranked match since the dawn of time. Your ult will kill everything! Mummy wraps+Ult=profit
Anivia: Get a guardian angel, 4 warmogs, resurrection (the summoner skill) and a zilean. Watch as the enemy team curses in frustration.
Annie: Stand by cho'gath and subtly hint things concerning your orifaces and his tentacles. No one can play LoL one handed very well.
Ashe: Don't even touch your mouse and watch as ashe carries the entire team with her mere presence. Upon hitting level 18 ashe will automatically end the game in five minutes or less. Your only hope of surviving ashe is a server crash, which is quite common.
Blitzcrank: Spam rocket grab. You don't need any other skill because your rocket grab can grab a hero taking a dump at their main base all the way from bottom turret. If you want to add tactics, stand in the bushes before you rocket grab.
Brand: I'm going to ignore that he blatantly plaguerized Annie long enough to make a post about this. Brand is the definition of "Burst rape". There's not too much you have to do here other than decide if you want to hurl a bouncing fire-ball into the enemy team first, or make the ground underneath them burst into flames as you lollerball your way to victory. Just avoid running through the river on summoner's rift. I always feel that should kill you.
Caitlyn: SNIPE EVERYTHING! Hell, I'm surprised she doesn't get a jar of piss she can throw at people. Most of the time you're going to be putting cup-cake traps around everywhere and watching as EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM gets hit before their 4 minute expire. Also, thanks to the complete lack of range limitations that your ult has, you can do pretty well if you get clairvoyance then pray an enemy disconnects at level 1. Pop clairvoyance on their spawn and fire away at the free gold.
Cassiopeia: Considering you're the only reason I ever got angry at the God of War series, spam your ult. Doesn't matter if you kill anyone, being turned to stone sucks over-all.
Cho'gath: Get six feasts, a guardian angel, 3 warmogs, an atma's impaler, and some boots then sit in a bush with a message that looks like this: "/all OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" Wait for a trist to walk by you, hit enter and make your presence known.
Corki: Don't die until you hit level 6 then spam rockets. Much like moths to heat the enemy team is drawn to the impact area of a corki missile. You will never miss because everyone is too stupid to dodge.
Evelynn: Pick evelynn then go to any lane you desire. Doesn't matter if you never go invisible, the enemy team will hug their towers for dear life even if they're up top, and you're on bottom.
Ez'real: Anyone playing Ez'real should know that after his acting career crashed with the cliff-hanger ending to Ouran High School Host Club, he joined the league. Because of this, he has a high level of fan-girls and champions like Annie, Morgana, and Le'blanc will attempt to r4pe him at all costs... just not in the way that word is normally used during a LoL match. Gameplay suggestions- Stand by your tower and /dance.
Fiddlesticks: Die a lot and feed the enemy team because no one can play fiddlesticks for ****.
Galio: Remember that show "Gargoyles" on Disney? Turns out for every minute of combat animation they had, they had 23 minutes of animation that involved them doing nothing but talking. You're basically the same way. Galio is so UP that after you've finished laning bottom with your partner, you should probably sit in base and avoid being seen by the general public ever again.
Gangplank: Find which vent the enemy team is using, get into their vent, set your microphone to echo your speakers, and blast this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AzpByR3MvI
Garen: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Mash E, win game.
Gragas: Ever heard of a 12-step program?
Heimerdinger: Place a nest of turrets in bushes that will be used as a major trafficing area for either minions or heroes and rake in the gold. If you don't like turrets simply spam your pocket rocket as you don't need to aim it, the AP stack is ungodly, and your range is global.
Irelia: I'm not actually sure this champion is useful, come back to me on this one.
Janna: Set up tornadoes everywhere. Doesn't matter where you put a tornado those things have such a wide area of effect that you can drop one at your nexus and still hit a hero in mid who saw it coming and ran to bot to dodge it.
Jarvan: Call up your big brother LuBu and have him do all the work for you (Not only do I think that rhymed, but it might also be a Haiku... don't prove me wrong is if it isn't).
Jax: Play twisted-treeline. I guarantee you, you will never lose a game. He can easily solo a 5-man team, should 3 be any different? All you need is a 12% dodge chance from runes, 10% boots, and counter-strike. Also, AP/AD items also work. For the most part, mushroom stamp with a lamp-post.
Karma: KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA CHAMELEON! Seriously, I don't even know. Build something AP and last shot weak heroes. She's pretty basic really.
Karthus: Get magic pen, cooldown reduc, an archangel, then spam R. To keep your mana going, spamming Q might also be useful.
Kassadin: Kassadin doesn't exist to do anything useful, rather he exists to push so incredibly far into the enemy base that escape is impossible. At that point the enemy team is allowed to drop five exhausts, five slows, five stuns, five ults, and five ignites on you and you'll stick get away as long as you have ability cooldown and an index finger capable of hitting R a thousand times a second.
Katarina: Bouncing blades+shunpo+death lotus=profit
Kayle: See trynmadere.
Kennen: Spam your skills and run around screaming at the top of your lungs. Only thing you need to be worried about are people named Ash Ketchum (run from freezing archers) and poke'balls. (Oh come on! HE IS A BLATANT PIKACHU RIP OFF!)
Kog'Maw: I refuse to write a play-guide for anything that likes like some bizarre Japanese flesh-light.
LeBlanc: I've never actually seen her in combat, but from what I heard if you mash QRQ, everything around you will die.
Lee-sin: Kick everything! Doesn't even matter what it is, it needs you to kick it! Trees, need kicking. Champions, need kicking. Baron when you're level 5, needs kicking.
Leona: Run into an enemy team and mashe QWER. I know that sounds pretty similar to a lot of champions but she has one added bonus: every thing she does stuns or slows. I'm not even kidding. You know that one skill most champions have that's a "defensive" skill? Even that is terrifying. Basically, run in, stun the whole team original gold card style, let everyone mop up.
Lux: All I can ever think of when I see a lux in game is "DOUBLE RAINBOW OH MY GOD!" This one should be a no-brainer. Spam your skills (all your skills have more range than even TF's ult) from a far range. Don't worry about pursuing, you have a skill that can bind two champions in place in a prism of bent light.... no I am not joking.
Malphite: Do people actually play malphite?
Malhazar: I don't know, I feel like this one is like if the hero from Prince of Persia and Jafar had a gay baby (a gayby?). Spam one of your skills 3 times at base before the round starts so you get one of those things that looks like the sentry from Portal right off the bat and have fun. Your bursts are so effective that even tanks with 300 MR will run into turrets or Baron to avoid fighting you.
MaoKai: Stay away from Annie. Flame skills+Wooden hero=Death
Master yi: Before playing as master Yi for your first time go ahead and watch Iron monkey then proceed to chant the phrase "I know kung-fu" as you stack DPS items and carry your team.
Miss Fortune: Sleep with every champion in the match and spread your various STDs. I'm pretty sure Miss Fortune was designed as one of the dev's perfect woman. I'm even more certain of this as every skin for her has her with slightly less clothes than the last. Really Pendragon, when am I getting the League of Porncraft patch where she's naked? Because I know that's coming.
Mordekaiser: There are few champs as **** annoying as a mordekaiser in mid. Coincidentally, you should go mid and mess up everyone's day. Hell, you should go wherever you want. Solo baron if you feel like it, smack jungle WW in the face. Mordekaiser does whatever he wants, so long as no Swedish metal bands try to sign him as their bassist.
Morgana: Stay behind a nearby tank/hardest hitting DPS character and spam your shield as its all you're good for.
Mundo: Stack six warmogs, drop your flaming balls, your ult, and run into the enemy team. Don't worry, executioner callings can't do a **** thing to you.
Nidalee: Nidalee is like simon says, once you figure out the pattern you can amaze your friends. The pattern goes: Heal, cougar, pounce, pounce, human, heal, spear, cougar pounce pounce, human heal spear cougar pounce pounce. Trust me, everything dies.
Nasus: Stand in front of the enemy team, go down to about half hit points, drop your circle around yourself, ult, spam your killer hit, hit fast enemies with your slow, and run around in a circle while everything dies. You don't even need an auto attack.
Nocturne: I've never seen anyone play Nocturne well, so I will just mention here that I feel its a little unfair that Nocturne's ult cannot be countered by Twisted Fate's Reveal destiny. Shouldn't the cardmaster's skills always trump anyone elses? (Pun intended)
Nunu: Get Banshee's veil, a ton of AP stack items, and spam your ult. For some reason the enemy team will always think "Oh shi- nunu ult" instead of "I have four seconds to stun him." The one guy who is smart enough to do that will eat banshee veil.
Olaf: You do realize you're playing Olaf the stout right? The lost viking everyone hated? You're not playing the super fast Erik the Swift or Baleog the Fierce, you're playing Olaf the fattie.... go kill yourself.
Orianna: We here at apature science want for you to have the best time testing. We have brought in Orianna as your supervisor. Please feel free to ask any questions. If you get hit in the face with a ball, that is simply a reminder that you aren't trying hard enough.
Pantheon: Spam ****ty 300 quotes every time you use a skill. When you throw a spear yell "Even the God king can bleed", when you hit them with a shield yell "Looks like our friends are thirsty, lets give them a drink", when you rapid stab with your spear yell "Tonight we dine in hell!" and when you sparta bomb yell "THIS IS SPARTA!". Also, stop being a fat **** and go outside and excercise. You tubs of lard need to stop aspiring to be a bad ass and actually do it.
Poppy: 1. Pick poppy 2. Roll face on keyboard 3. ???? 4. profit. For best results get sheen and mash Q
Rammus: Stand by your turret at level 1 and spam taunt, then buy a warmog, a thornmail, three sunfire capes, and a boots of swiftness/tabai. Everything will die.
Renekton: Avoid StarFox at all costs.
Rumble: Your ult+Karthus' wall of pain=OWN! Stand in a bush and burn through your flame-thrower. Spam harpoons. Drop yer ult. You're a mech of destiny. WIN!
Ryze: Smash QWERQWERQWERQWERQWER until your fingers bleed and your keyboard doesn't work. Congratulations, you're the team carry :D
Shaco: buy sword of the occult, infinity edge, crit damage runes, and then Mash Q, then lol as you crit for over 9000!
Shen: Ever hear of Seppuku? Actually, I don't think I've ever seen Shen not play well. He can do a tank build, an AP build, and a DPS build and still no one will be able to take him in a team fight.
Singed: Get ghost, get your ult, get boots of swiftness, stack AP, charge, throw ****. Great success.
Sion: Put your shield up and charge into the enemy base yelling "FREEEEEEEDOM!" Don't worry. No one on the enemy team is smart enough to figure out "If I hurt sion his shield won't blow up on me :D". Don't worry about sucking with sion, it is literally impossible to not carry your team as him.
Sivir: Throw boomerangs. Eventually your boomerangs will magically hit a minion then bounce and go after a hero thats all the way across the map and deck him in the face dealing 400 damage (even though its a rebound) and kill them instantly. Also, that boomerang you have? Spam that. Doesn't matter where you throw that boomerang, its range will change just to make sure it hits that one hero at 1/4 health twice and kills them dead.
Sona: I always feel the need to scream "DANCE EPIDEMIC TONIGHT!" when I see her. Alright, if you really wanna play Sona just type "/all Hey guys, did you hear about the hotkeying patch they did when they patched in (insert newest champion here)? They hotkeyed your commands. /dance is now just "D"." Watch as everyone believes Sona (who already makes everyone dance) and wastes their flash.
Soraka: Stand behind any tank and play "Heavy, Medic" combo. Neither of you will die.... ever.
Swain: I have the slightest suspicion that Swain was created under heavy influence of Absynth and Edgar Allen Poe writing. Because of this he doesn't even really have to do anything to team carry. They can't even nerf him because the code is so riddled with random things such as "Rem: If PendragonDrunk=true then Swain=OP" that it would take them weeks to actually figure out how to rework him.
Taric: Seeing as taric is useless and cannot benefit your team in any way shape or form upon picking taric your best bet is to actually stay at base and "/all" the Jem theme song. Lyrics include "Jem is excitement (ooh jem) glammer and glitter, fashion and fame, truly outragous, truly truly truly outragous." Don't worry, no one expects anything more from taric.
Teemo: Put mushrooms everywhere! You can put a mushroom at your spawn point and I guarantee you in thirty seconds or less an enemy hero is going to bump into said mushroom and die a horribly slow and painful death. You will get more kills while dead than you will while alive, only person who can even compare is Karthus.
Tristana: As a general rule of thumb, anything that is blue skinned will rape your horribly. Don't believe me? Poppy, twisted fate, Tristana, evelynn, mundo, ryze, and veigar. Needless to say: Play tristana, jump in a windowless van, rape everything.
Trundle: *Insert some uninspiring line about David Bowie's the labyrinth or the "They have a cave troll" from LOTR here*
Trynmadere: Team up with a kayle, have her blow her ult, then blow your own. End the game in 12 seconds. Ignore any and all masturbation jokes or you will fail.
Twisted fate: Stand by a Shaco and spam /joke. If the enemy team or your team does not have a shaco, simply hit on anything in the room. Twisted Fate is the Archer of LoL.
Twitch: Pick twitch then blindfold yourself and randomly click your mouse. Chances are you will be your team's carry.
Udyr: Udyr is a bit tricky. By tricky I mean its hard to decide if you want to spam turtle or bear stance first. Most of the time though you can't fail if you jump into a bush, spam turtle, then spam bear and run at your enemies screaming "I'M A ****ING BEAR!"
Urgot: I've had one of my friends who claims to be top tier complain about Urgot on various occasions. Ultimately, he has told me this: "All he has to do is lane mid and spam his skill! He only has to hit you with his ranged skill 1 in every 4 times to get a kill! Its ridiculous! You can't fight it." I'm pretty sure that's how you play Urgot.
Vayne: Get Q, lane mid, spam Q and target the champion. I guarantee you 5 kills before the laning phase is over.
Veigar: Pop a playpen every time you get the chance. Doesn't matter where you put it I guarantee you you'll hit a hero with it and the hero you hit will die in three seconds or less regardless of where they are or if anyone is even remotely near them.
Vladmir: Much like Ezreal, your female fan-base could sink Antartica if every member was standing on the main continental mass. Your primary concerns are Warwick and direct sunlight. Remember, sparkling is bad for the skin.
Warwick: Pick warwick, then in team chat type "Lol, JK" and pick a real hero.
Wukong: On one side, Riot completely destroyed Journey to the west. On the other hand, they didn't do it nearly as bad as goku. Really, the best thing to do with wukong is to get near an enemy champion right before they blow their ult and use your clone. The skill will be spent on the clone (IE: Mordekaiser's ult), and that champion will be PISSSSSSSSSSSSSED. Also, if you really want some fun, just hit S randomly and watch as no one attacks you because they think you're a clone.
Xin'Zhao: When I first saw this champion I didn't even blink, looked at my friend, and said "Are they really using Dynasty warrior characters now?" Well, I'm pretty sure Xin'Zhao got his inspiration from Cao Pi (heh, Cow Pee) and his natural destruction capacities from Lubu because this guy is ridiculous to fight against. I'm actually curious to see what would happen if Lubu knocked someone up in the air the same time Cho'gath used Rupture. My bet is that they'd have to be astronaut teemo to survive it.
Yorick: Don't pick Yorick.
Zilean: Spam bombs. You are the bomberman of LoL. Also, thanks to a lack of foresight (no time jokes) on the riot devs part, they forget to incorporate darleks so you can feel free to run rampant around the map knowing no one is capable of threatening you.
Does the Sunfire cape damage effects even stacks?
most of this is ****. If you are a noob and reading this please forget everything above and play practice games with your favorite champions after reading a REAL guide or two on how to play them.
Get sheen for Poppy and mash Q?
Sheen doesn't stack with Devastating Blow. I also noticed that even with 100% critical chance, Q can't stack with that either. I'm guessing that if it could stack with Sheen, Tri Force, or Lich Bane, AND can crit, it would be ridiculously overpowered.
lol hilarious +1 for annie and cho guides
I want to thank you for saving me hours of reading guides and playing practice games.
...what do i do if the other team isnt using vent?
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