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-   -   Pheonix Effect: - by ReydanDeathrain (http://forums.na.leagueoflegends.com/board/showthread.php?t=2994572)

Deathrain 01-12-2013 12:45 AM

Pheonix Effect: - by ReydanDeathrain
 
Prologue:

"Are we sure this will work?"

"No one is sure. But there are no more choices. We must attempt to restore the balance."

"Then bring her."

"Understood." Then man crossed his arms over his chest and hummed a deep chant, then suddenly vanished from the room. A few minutes passed, as the remaining two Kinkou sat in silence. The woman stood up and walked to the middle of the room, sitting on the floor legs crossed. A faint blue light surrounded her where she sat. As the light grew in intensity, the same deep humming sound could be heard, and in a flash, the man reappeared, this time with a young woman, just past adolescence and entering into adulthood.

The newly transported woman yanked her arm from the man's grasp."What is this? Why am I here!?" She turned, panting, strands of short pink hair sprawled across her face. She pushed the man that had brought her, he took a step backwards, falling in line with the others. "You three?.. What do you want?"

"We seek balance. The world has become docile and stagnant."

"We seek to make it right."

"15 years ago, during the days of Kalamanda, there was a balance of power. The great city states of Demacia and Noxus stood at the poles, the others fell in line as they were, and the League held it together."

"But the last ten years have not gone well. The purpose of the League was lost. No longer does it stand as a neutral force within the land."

"The uprising of Jericho Swain unknowingly brought forth the union of the DeCoutea and Crowngaurd houselines. This union, and their war, purged the evils of Noxus. But they did not stop there. Under the banner of peace they marched upon the other evils of the world, eliminating all who opposed them, and establishing Demacia as the driving moral power in the land."

"The League originally accepted this process, as it too was meant to keep the peace and prevent another rune war. Demacia quickly gained favor, and in turn power, within the League. The Demacian ideals inspired the views of the High Summoners, and they too, pushed for peace."

"Their actions have been a blight upon the balance we strive to maintain. In seeking their continued peace they have eliminated many champions, summoners, and ancient powers that the League formerly controlled. They have tipped the balance, and in doing so have spread corruption across the lands."

"You know the things we speak of, do you not?"

The young woman turned her back to the ninjas, her head hung in a quiet state of contemplation. After a moment she began to speak, little more than a whisper, "I was labeled too dangerous, removed from active status, my powers restricted. Things were.. taken from me."

"We are here to return them."

The girl spun around, but at that moment there was a small flash, and the room filled with smoke. She stood there, coughing, one hand over her face, while the smoke cleared.

A whisper came from throughout the room, the three ninjas speaking in unison, "You must rejoin the League. You must restore balance. You must neutralize Demacia."

The three ninjas were gone, and in their place was a small chest on the floor. As she walked carefully towards it, she could feel the heat radiating from within. She dropped to her knees in front of it, not daring to imagine what was inside. Her entire body was now engulfed in the heat from the chest, a permeating glow that seemed to warm her from the inside. She opened the latch, and oddly it was cool to the touch. Perplexed, she raised the lid. What was inside was unmistakable, even though it had been more than a decade since she had seen it. Tears streamed down her face as she reached in to pull the object from the chest, and a single word left her lips."

"Tibbers..."


__________________________________________________ ___

So I've been toying with writing a LoL based story for a while now, and this is the idea I keep coming back to. After the events of the JoJ (and 75% of fanfiction it seems) Swain takes power in Noxus, rises against the league. Kat and Garen get together and establish a super-power alliance that crushes Swain, and then Demacia pushes that victory into a complete take-over/neutralization of Noxus and Zuan. The League ends up embracing Demacia afterwards, as there is now a time of true peace. This ends up going completely overboard, as over time the Demacian run League works to eliminate all evils from the world. (See shadow isles, void-based, ancient magics)

Story will be Annie centered, as the prologue hints, and she will now be of average champion age (mid 20s), A few of the champions we know now are killed/jailed/restricted, many are still around, either being immortal or aged as appropriate based on lore. There will be only a few OC champs, to account for new league inductees.

What do ya'll think? Want to see it written? Have ideas? Requests for roles, who lives, who dies etc? Feedback much appreciated as it will most likely motivate me to start writing chapters

Deathrain 01-14-2013 12:03 PM

self bump.. 400 views and no opinions?

Zezockary 01-14-2013 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deathrain (Hozzászólás 33472735)
self bump.. 400 views and no opinions?

It was good, I like where it was going but there isnt much there.

Your writing skills are good, and I would continue reading were you to write more. But if you do can you make the chapters longer? XD

Sorry so many read without posting btw. It doesnt seem as if the fan fiction forums have been that active the last few days.

MiaoLong 01-15-2013 07:30 AM

I think you have a good imagination and a sense for starting up the seeds of an epic story. Some tips though--

Your chapter, even taking into consideration its short length, does little to expose the reader to the world. You start and end in a dark room, and everything we know about the world outside is told to us, not exposed.

There's no point to writing a story if you're just going to have your characters tell it out to your audience. What I reccommend is to find a way to expose the backstory in a more consequential way then dialogue.

For example, you could show Annie living in the present-day Demacia, running into a problem with the now-corrupt Demacia police, and have the Kinkou rescue her and THEN explain to her what they want her to do.

This would also solve the problem of the disparity between the Demacia we know today and the one in your story. If you just TELL people Demacia's changed, it means little and it's hard to stomach since everything we experience about the city-state is different. This contradiction would honestly ruin your story if you left it unchecked.

By exposing the reader first-hand to the "new" Demacia, you give them some ground to work off of. You give them a base. Unfortunately, I don't see that here, and that's bad for a first chapter.

Deathrain 01-16-2013 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiaoLong (Hozzászólás 33497601)
I think you have a good imagination and a sense for starting up the seeds of an epic story. Some tips though--

Your chapter, even taking into consideration its short length, does little to expose the reader to the world. You start and end in a dark room, and everything we know about the world outside is told to us, not exposed.

There's no point to writing a story if you're just going to have your characters tell it out to your audience. What I reccommend is to find a way to expose the backstory in a more consequential way then dialogue.

For example, you could show Annie living in the present-day Demacia, running into a problem with the now-corrupt Demacia police, and have the Kinkou rescue her and THEN explain to her what they want her to do.

This would also solve the problem of the disparity between the Demacia we know today and the one in your story. If you just TELL people Demacia's changed, it means little and it's hard to stomach since everything we experience about the city-state is different. This contradiction would honestly ruin your story if you left it unchecked.

By exposing the reader first-hand to the "new" Demacia, you give them some ground to work off of. You give them a base. Unfortunately, I don't see that here, and that's bad for a first chapter.


Thank you for your lengthy and detailed reply, I honestly read and took to book all of your suggestions. I shall offer counter points to not so much argue, but explain some things.

What was posted was a prologue, not so much the first chapter. Think of it more as a teaser/trailer, or like the first 5minutes of a movie before the title credits.

The idea is you get a flashforward sneak peak at a scene from a certain point later, with no clutter of scene or character descriptions, just an overarching theme.

My first chapter or two will go backwards in time, focusing on developing Annie and her fellow protagonists, as well as the nature of Valoran and the history of the Demacian antagonists. Then I shall either rewrite the scene, or perhaps write the scene from a secondary viewpoint and skip what was written, for instance one of Annies friends witnesses her kidnapped by Shen, only to reappear a day later with Tibbers and her power restored. The reader already knows what occured.

Make sense?

Btw, I am going to start writing the outline and first chapter as soon as I post this, so stay tuned!

MiaoLong 01-16-2013 03:49 PM

Unfortunately, with prologues it's even more important to start of strong and vivid. I would highly recommend moving the dialogue-based exposition to the 1st Chapter, and bring out all your heavy guns in the Prologue. You've only got a few paragraphs at best to convince your reader that you've got something worth reading. I'd aim to get them hooked from the start.

Some more points: I really like the ending; the closing words in particular. It's a great closer that'll seal a reader's interest, but I feel the very first part could use much more work, since it honestly doesn't matter how well you close out a chapter/prologue if they stop reading halfway through, and most of the prologue in the beginning is all dialogue exposition, probably one of the weakest ways to ground the setting for your story.

That said, your writing composition is strong enough that people WILL read because of the quality of the writing alone.

If you want to continue with this format, then I suggest you develop the setting a little bit more at the very start of the prologue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deathrain

"Are we sure this will work?"

"No one is sure. But there are no more choices. We must attempt to restore the balance."

"Then bring her."

"Understood." Then man crossed his arms over his chest and hummed a deep chant, then suddenly vanished from the room.


Do you see the bolded line? Unfortunately, that's the only setting you give the reader. That they're in a room. That's like throwing them into the middle of the story blindfolded. Are they in a dark room? A well lit room? Is it small or large, are there other people, any furniture, any hint from the inside what the room might be?

I would put a 3 or 4 sentence paragraph straight at the beginning establishing what the room looks like, what is the lighting, how are the occupants of the room arranged, of any adorning features, etc.


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