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-   -   Zalos, The Noxian Outlaw (http://forums.na.leagueoflegends.com/board/showthread.php?t=2871792)

Vicious Fury 12-05-2012 10:50 PM

Zalos, The Noxian Outlaw
 
Ok this is the first time....maybe as much as anyone else's of me doing this i put some thought into this character and i know things can be changed but having some help would be cool as well =D

Zalos, The Noxian Outlaw
Lore:
Being in Noxus get to the top by any means necessary, in Zalos’ case it was through the military showing his unmatched skill with his custom made pistols he made his way through the ranks with ease either earning or taking them. Upon his next assignment he was heading toward where most would seem to think this mission was suicide, search the ruins of Ionia for an item of great value. Upon arriving to the ruined land that was once Ionia him and his unit traverse through the ruined lands and corpses of enemies and allies due to the horrific biochemical attacks from Singed and his deadly concoctions. Finding the location of the proclaimed dead Riven he searches to find the sword she was given from the Noxian High command but finding only pieces of the shattered blade seeing this as an opportunity to gain the praise of the high command he ventures back to report his findings only to have been attacked by one of his own aiming for the same goal, after dispatching his former teammate another sends a message to Darius with a deceptive lie stating Zalos’ defection to the noxian army Zalos had one choice, eliminate his team and disappear before another squad of soldiers arrive possibly lead by the hand of noxus to execute the defector. Living through his survival skills and expert marksmanship he stumbled across the exiled Riven their battle raged on for hours Riven had been able to close the range on Zalos’ barrage she disarmed Zalos held her shattered blade to his throat and asked him why was he hunting her, the beaten Zalos told his story and how if he had brought back her blade he would be remised of being a traitor. Riven then explains the League of Legends and states if he wants the blade that badly then he is to seek her on the Fields of Justice. Having not faced an opponent that has closed the range between them he was excited to face Riven once again and he heads to the League to face his first worthy opponent again.

There is nothing that I can’t reach – Zalos The Noxian Outlaw


Stats:
Health: 415(+90)
Energy: 200(+0)
Movement Speed : 320
Armor:19(+3)
Spell block: 30(+0)
Health regen: 5.5(+0.60)

Skills
Passive, Feeling Lucky: Zalos 6th basic attack deals bonus true damage
Q, Double Shot : Zalos fires both of his pistols in a line causing AD to target
W, Reload: Zalos channels to reload his revolvers increasing AD and armor penetration for a time
E, Coin Toss: Zalos tosses a handfull of coins in a cone in front of him with one bullet shot ricochets off all coins causing AD and slowing all enemies for a time (DOES NOT COMSUME GOLD!!!)
R, Double Ricochet: Zalos unloads both pistols with one big shot that bounces from enemies causing AD if .an enemy champion is hit they have reduced attack and movement speed for a time

QUOTES!
On Select: Precise choice for the precise summoner
Movement: Pow. Just stay behind me.
Taunt1: I'll purposely miss the cigar.
Taunt2:Know this, for one bullet I can hit you five times
Joke1: I can hit the broadside of....air.
Joke2: Why you no hit target!
On Coin Toss: Heads or tails
On death: *pistol backfires* blast!

Zarkof 12-05-2012 11:01 PM

Right now all you have is "damage, damage, damage steroid, damage slow, damage slow" and this is very, very stale. You need to look at other champions, see what makes them special and makes their kits unique.

Without any mobility, survivability, or synergy your champion will be extremely stale.

If you want to see a well designed ADC, look at Varus. All of his spells were innovative (except his passive, that still sucks)

You might want to find someone to help you with grammar in your lore too.

I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm trying to point you in the right direction to clever, innovative, and unique concepts that work.

Vicious Fury 12-05-2012 11:05 PM

Thank you this was the reason why i posted to begin with i kind of rushed the lore i should have spent more time on it constructive criticism is key to making better players/daydreamers? yea daydreamers =P i will work on it more and see what i come up with

Moby the White 12-05-2012 11:13 PM

okayhere is my thoughts and im gonna be just as rough on you as I am myself, I am not perfect my stuff is not perfect I make mistakes and sometimes it requires a fresh eye to catch others mistakes.

Lore PQWER review:

Lore: 20/25
Reason: Syntax- lots of errors, but let me just say That I liked it despite the grammar and spelling error. this lore shows strong potential, it is unique, well themed, and flows fairly smoothly.

P. 20/25
Reason: balance- i can't judge you on numbers that aren't there sorry

Q. 20/25
Reason: Balance- has no numbers again.

W. 19/25
Reason: balance no numbers also I would have given you a bonuns point for making it consume gold would have made it seem more realistic. syntax minor errors

R. 19/25
Reason : balance no numbers, syntax minor errors

Bonus +2
Lore PQWER : 100/150

add in some numbers for damages, mana, cooldowns,
review your work for spelling and grammar errors and I will review you again I was very lenient in utility aspect of my reviewal because of this.
i feel really bad that you didn't have numbers for your abilities because despite the errors i did rather like the concept and the lore once i grasped it :S

Vicious Fury 12-05-2012 11:21 PM

Well that's cool I guess i should double-tap my proofreading before i post as i said i kind of rushed it but as far as the numbers go should i just use what comes to mind or do i have to use math -.- but i will get this character updated and hopefully better on his appearance I'm glad you like the lore....once you grasped it

Moby the White 12-05-2012 11:26 PM

calculators are very useful i like to stick to normal scaling like evens or odds or increments of 5 or something like that...idk here is something I did if you want a look at something I just made on the spot take a look at anything from this page Moby's Stuff

Vicious Fury 12-06-2012 12:17 AM

ok i think i did a slight better but from the advice given i feel as tho i changed nothing but i'll let others tell me what is better or the same.

Zalos, The Noxian Outlaw
Lore: Living in Noxus some seek glory by any means necessary, in Zalos’ case it was through the military. Showing his unmatched skill with his custom made pistols he made his way through the ranks with ease either earning or taking them. Upon his next assignment he was heading toward where most would seem to think this mission was suicide, to search the ruins of Ionia for an item of great value.
Upon arriving to the ruined land that was once Ionia Zalos and his unit traverse through the ruined lands and volatile corpses of enemies and allies due to the horrific biochemical attacks from Singed and his deadly concoctions. Finding the location of the proclaimed dead Riven he searches to find the sword she was given from the Noxian High command, but finding only pieces of the shattered blade. Seeing this as an opportunity to gain the praise of the high command he ventures back to report his findings only to have been attacked by one of his own aiming for the same goal. After dispatching his former squad-mate another glory seeking squad-mate sends a message to Darius with a deceptive lie stating Zalos’ defection to the noxian army.
Zalos had one choice, eliminate his team and disappear before another squad of soldiers arrive possibly lead by the hand of noxus to execute the defector. Living through his survival skills and expert marksmanship he stumbled across the exiled Riven, their battle raged on for hours Riven had been able to close the range on Zalos’ barrage she disarmed Zalos held her shattered blade to his throat and asked him why was he attacked her, the beaten Zalos told his story detailing the severity of the sword she owns to the Noxian high command. Riven then explains the League of Legends and states if he wants the blade that badly then he is to seek her on the Fields of Justice. Having not faced an opponent that has closed the range between them he was excited to face Riven once again and he heads to the League to face his first worthy opponent again.
There is nothing that I can’t reach – Zalos The Noxian Outlaw


Passive, Feeling Lucky: Zalos 6th basic attack deals 13(+20 per level) bonus true damage
Q, Double Shot : Zalos fires both of his pistols in a line causing 14/50/90/115/160 (+ to targets first enemy hit is stunned also reduced healing effects for (stun is for 0.75sec, Reduced healing is for 5seconds)
W, Reload: Zalos channels to reload his revolvers increasing attack damage by 5/15/25/45/60 and 2%/4%/6%/7%/9% armor penetration for 4 seconds
E, Coin Toss: Zalos tosses a handfull of coins in a cone in front of him. Casting the skill again fires a single bullet shot ricochets off all coins causing 13/23/33/43/53(+1) and slowing all enemies by 24%/30%/36%/48%/55% for 3 seconds.(consumes 10 gold)
R, Double Ricochet: Zalos unloads both pistols with one big shot that bounces from enemy champions causing 170/350/540. Additionally they have 20%/40%/60% reduced attack and movement speed for a time if the enemy champion is hit more than once the skill does 25% less damage.
On Select: Precise choice for the precise summoner
Movement: Pow. Just stay behind me.
Taunt1: I'll purposely miss the cigar.
Taunt2:Know this, for one bullet I can hit you five times
Joke1: I can hit the broadside of....air.
Joke2: Why you no hit target!
On Coin Toss: Heads or tails
On death: *pistol backfires* blast!

Moby the White 12-06-2012 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vicious Fury (Hozzászólás 32141942)
ok i think i did a slight better but from the advice given i feel as tho i changed nothing but i'll let others tell me what is better or the same.

Zalos, The Noxian Outlaw
Lore: Living in Noxus some seek glory by any means necessary, in Zalos’ case it was through the military. Showing his unmatched skill with his custom made pistols, he made his way through the ranks with ease, either earning or taking them. Upon his next assignment he was heading toward where most would seem to think this mission was suicide, to search the ruins of Ionia for an item of great value.
Upon arriving to the ruined land that was once Ionia Zalos and his unit traversed through the ruined lands and volatile corpses of enemies and allies, due to the horrific biochemical attacks from Singed and his deadly concoctions. Finding the location of the proclaimed dead Riven, he searched to find the sword she was given from the Noxian High command, but finding only pieces of the shattered blade. Seeing this as an opportunity to gain the praise of the high command, he ventured back to report his findings only to have been (you could just say be) attacked by one of his own aiming for the same goal. After dispatching that former squad-mate, another glory seeking squad-mate sends a message to Darius with a deceptive lie stating Zalos’ defection to (are you sure you don't mean from?) the noxian army.
Zalos had one choice, eliminate his team and disappear before another squad of soldiers arrived, possibly lead by the hand of noxus to execute the defector. Living through his survival skills and expert marksmanship he stumbled across the exiled Riven (at which point he instantly engaged her in combat), their battle raged on for hours; however, Riven had been able to close the range on Zalos’ barrage (or you could say Riven had been able to close the gap between them despite Zalos' constant barrage). She then disarmed Zalos, her shattered blade held to his throat, and asked him why he attacked her, the beaten Zalos told his story detailing the severity (importance sounds better imo) of the sword she owns to the Noxian high command. Riven then explained the League of Legends and stated if he wanted the blade that badly then he would have to find her on the Fields of Justice. Having not faced an opponent that has closed the range between them before, he was excited to face Riven once again and so he journeyed to the League to face his first worthy opponent again.
There is nothing that I can’t reach – Zalos The Noxian Outlaw

bold stuff: stuff i changed
underlined stuff: stuff im not sure about didn't like or it was wordy. i can clarify if needed
Parentheses: my thoughts

Vicious Fury 12-06-2012 12:38 AM

I like the changes you made and also pointed out that i missed out on more of the grammar but in all honesty i need to knoe your explanation on the bold text you have there also i'd like your overall opinion of my champion idea

Moby the White 12-06-2012 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vicious Fury (Hozzászólás 32142165)
I like the changes you made and also pointed out that i missed out on more of the grammar but in all honesty i need to knoe your explanation on the bold text you have there also i'd like your overall opinion of my champion idea

reason i changed it is for the same tense rule. if you start telling a storying using the past tense you should typically keep it past tense unless somehow you make it catch up to present tense. plus within a sentence if i say something like the following:

Tracy and I are going to the movies and we are watching it while eating popcorn.

the sentence remains in the same tense

but if i said:

Tracy and I are going to the movies and we are watches it while eats popcorn

none of what i said makes sense...in fact i had a very hard time trying to come up with a sentence that fit this.


some instances i changes stuff just to sound better. I utilized the word that to separate the two members. I am far from perfect at english but these are minor changes that i thought you could make in order to improve your lore.

overall i think the concept is unique like i said. I was kind of upset that the gold mechanic didn't penalize you. With the new talent trees i could see a champion that utilizes the pickpocket quite well here


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