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-   -   One Who is Whole(An ?OCxRiven? FanFic) (http://forums.na.leagueoflegends.com/board/showthread.php?t=2863418)

Theamp4 12-04-2012 07:43 AM

One Who is Whole(An ?OCxRiven? FanFic)
 
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((??Chapter 10 is online??))

Personally, I've always read Riven as someone with a deep-seated self loathing born out of the things she allowed herself to do. She may have believed in the Noxian way, but Ionia left her walking through hell and reduced her to "dispatch[ing] helpless bystanders" - something she and her men had never been trained to do or cope with. Her hands are stained not only with the blood of innocents but also with that of those who had been the closest thing she had to family. She led them into the ambush, she had unknowingly called in Singed's barrage and yet she was the only one to survive. It's a massive ball of self-loathing, PTSD and survivor's guilt.

Riven wants to redeem herself. That's the core conflict of her character (and why she has a 'Redeemed' skin)


Hello everybody! Welcome to my first Fan Fiction, about Riven.

I am told that OCxChampion is pretty difficult and that I probably should of used someone else instead of OC, but no champion reflects me the most... So I have decided to insert myself.


Character List in order of appearance:



(SPOILERSSPOILERSPOILERSSPOILERS)



Riven
Auron Kale (OC)
Darius
Drake Rane (OC)
Mystery Man (???)
Cassiopeia
Lily Kale (OC) ~DEAD~
Little Girl (???)
White Wolf
Esmee (???)

I am allowing requests to be made for the story, though only a few that look like they would work will be added. I don't care if it is OC or if it is a champion.

Chapter Pages:

Chapter 1. Page 1 Post 2
Chapter 2. Page 2 Post 6
Chapter 3. Page 4 Post 2
Chapter 4. Page 5 Post 4
Chapter 5. Page 6 Post 8
Chapter 6. Page 7 Post 4
Chapter 7. Page 8 Post 2
Chapter 8. Page 9 Post 10
Chapter 9. Page 11 Post 1 (FINALLY BROKE THE EVENS :O)
Chapter 10/Part 1. Page 15 Post 7

Author's Note.
My character in himself is, by all means, not outgoing. I've thought about where he would come from, and from my conclusions, Noxus wouldn't work really, he isn't a rough and tough guy, though he may act it sometimes :3 Demacia wouldn't work because he's not really a good person to follow a true leader to "Idealistic" views. Ionian seems to be the best choice, as I find myself to be a quiet person, and sort of... out of it. Despondent to the world. In a way, I find myself as an exile of the world, shunned for who I am. I figure Ionian would work well with Riven, though we will see. I find myself very vulnerable at times, so I will probably introduce that into this as a core action between Riven and myself.


Teh Fanarts, Teh Realtive Pictures, Teh liekz BELOWZ!

Theamp4 12-04-2012 09:12 AM

Chapter 1

The Exile’s Reminder


Riven wandered around the Institute with an aura of confidence that had not been shown in quite a while. Her sword bounced against her waist where it was stowed in quick reach. It seemed to glow from her previous meeting. Returning to her usual secluded training grounds had been quiet as always, but something was different. She had felt another presence behind some trees near her. Riven paid no mind and continued, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw someone. He quickly pulled himself back into hiding.

Must be another summoner...” Riven continued, becoming increasingly annoyed at the man that was watching her intently. Suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, she spoke loudly. “Why are you here."

She took a deep breathe and continued practicing. The man had left apparently, but as she was about to leave, a slight movement nearby had taken her attention. Sensing the man again nearby, she became increasingly angry. She snuck around the man, and hid behind him, out of sight. Taking the chance he had given her, she rushed forward, and pinned him to the tree. “What did I say?" Riven looked him over for a second. “You’re Ionian. Are you here to try and kill me?"

Auron had just arrived at the Institute about a week ago. Apparently, his family wanted him to learn how to be a summoner or something like that. He didn’t really care. As he was shown to his room, he nodded his head to the assistant and stepped into his room. It was roomy enough, he didn’t need much room anyway. First on his agenda, a quiet place to be when he did not want to be bothered…

Auron stood in the woods in complete silence. No noise… No distractions… “This has got to be the place…” Auron whispered to himself, trying not to break the peacefulness of the grove.

Suddenly, loud banging, like a sword cutting through a rock, was heard from the grove. “What the hell? What’s with the noise?!” He peeked around the tree, and noticed a woman, cutting through anything nearby with ease. She looked up for a second, as if she had noticed him, but continued with her training. He took a sigh of relief. Her head turned his way though, and he hid himself quickly. After a short amount of time, he turned around again, enraptured by her dance with her sword.

“Why are you here?" The voice came from the woman. It was loud and stern, but it betrayed a hint of vulnerability… Auron turned around and ran back to the edge of the forest when he remembered he didn’t mark the area. Going back, it seemed she had left. “Good…” He mumbled to himself. Making a few motions with his hand, he etched a symbol into the tree, a mark he had made a while ago. His face hit the tree as his hand was wretched behind his back. The woman was yelling at him. “Just what I needed…

“You’re Ionian. Are you here to try and kill me?" The distinct womanly voice came through to the fear induced disorientation. Auron struggled futilely to unwrap his arm, or to push off from the tree, but to no avail. She put more force on this arm, and he yelped in pain. “Stop! I did not come to harm you! Please, let me go!” Auron cried out.

She let go of his arm, but turned him around, pinning him to the ground on his back. Her leg was on his chest, with both of his arms to his sides. “Then why are you here, Ionian?” She knew that he wouldn’t be able to fight back, so she awaited the answer while fighting back his wild grabs at getting away.

“I just wanted a quiet place to get away from everybody. Apparently trying to do that gets people angry!” Squirming had proven to be useless. She was just too strong for him. His chest was hurting from the weight.

Her visage eased as she realized he meant no harm. Getting up slowly, she questioned him again. “Then why were you watching me? You are Ionian, you should be trying to kill me for what I have done to your people…” She said, looking away from him, ashamed of herself, but still watching him carefully.

Auron stood up after, and jumped back slightly, prepared to run should she became angry again. “You were interesting to say the least, plus if you’re a regular customer to this grove, then I probably wouldn’t want to be here. I am Ionian, yes, but who are you, and why should I be killing you then? What HAVE you done to my people?” He said, oblivious to her relations.

Riven looked at him, puzzled. “How have you not heard of me?"

Auron opened his mouth to speak, "Maybe because you're not someone I have met before, or my village had never spoken to you?…My name is Auron…Auron Kale. Forgive me for intruding, I only arrived here about a week ago, forcibly I might add.”

Riven huffed. “It's fine then. Just don’t come here again when I am around. I prefer to be alone.”

Auron took that as a sign to go, but something irked him as he was leaving. "What is your name again? I didn't catch it..."

Riven turned back to him, gave him an annoyed look, and turned around again. She sighed loudly, in a sign of anger it seemed. Auron backed off.

And then they parted, but something felt different in Riven. As if, he knew how it felt. Auron, though scared, resolved to try and go there more, to learn more about her. Plus it was a peaceful place. Probably the best part.

Author's Note:

Feedback is much appreciated. This post seemed pretty short to me for some reason, but I felt it was better to leave the chapter there. I had no plans on how I would get the first part to tie in with the ending, and I tried to make a reason why Auron would go back there again. All in all, I think this was a good Pilot Chapter. Again, feedback is much appreciated :)

Grand Viper 12-04-2012 01:43 PM

Please, please don't take this the wrong way, but I am going to point out a few things.

Take a look at your dialogue, and read it out loud. A lot of it seems forced and it doesn't sound like how people would speak with one another.

“What do you want? You have been staring at me for quite a while now. Another summoner trying to learn more about me for his personal gain or another admirer who wishes to woo me like all the others? It will not work, so please leave me be…”

Would Riven say that much dialogue when she's angry? Read it how it reads, and say it out loud. Would Riven say that many words, or if she is actually fed up, just say, "Go away." Does this feel to be in line with her character, does the same tone help?

Example:

Riven let out a loud sigh, looked over in my direction and demanded in a stern voice, “Who are you and what do you want?"

^Tolerating his presence

Riven looked over and in a low voice, commanded, "Go away."

^She doesn't want to be bothered.

Riven looked over and gave me a slight smirk. With a silent nod of her head, she went back to practice.

^Shows a degree of acceptance

Riven's amber eyes flicked to my direction, easily spotting me. They smoldered, and with a quiet turn of her head, I knew better than to come any closer.

^No dialogue needed, what does the body language say?

Riven smiled for the first time in a while. “It is fine then. Just don’t come here again when I am around. I prefer to be alone.”

^Why is she smiling? He's still an Ionian. He didn't say he forgives her or anything, he gives her his name and he's still an Ionian which really is a big problem considering who Riven is. As an Ionian, he remembers the atrocities of the war. Was he not a part of the war? What is his personality? What is it that is endearing? I'm having a hard time sensing anything of these characters.

Auron had just arrived at the Institute about a week ago. Apparently, his family wanted him to learn how to be a summoner or something like that. He didn’t really care. As he was shown to his room, he nodded his head to the assistant and stepped into his room. It was roomy enough, he didn’t need much room anyway. First on his agenda, a quiet place to be when he did not want to be bothered…

This should be a key note. He doesn't care. That means Riven is not going to be all buddy buddy with him. For her to have a friend at all is probably one of the most difficult things for her, since she really has never had a friend. Comrades in arms? Yes. Friend? Not so much. Friends make you weak, emotional connections make you weak. Know who your characters are. If you want him to not care and be shiftless, then make Riven dislike him from the beginning, as someone who just follows what others tell him to do. A lapdog, something she used to be and now sees the folly of.

A lot of your prose and sentence structure is really off. It's hard to say, but it doesn't flow. In terms of referring to who is speaking, I'm confused and I'm unsure as to what is going on where.

All of my criticism can be summed up like this: What do you want from this story. What is the point of this story? Because from what I see, it is essentially the main character hooking up with Riven. Why? What is the point? Will it help Riven develop as a character? Will it help develop your main character? Is this a complete fluff fiction, is this meant to be taken serious as a novel, what are you expecting out of this story?

I don't mean to be harsh, I truly don't, but without criticism, one cannot improve. Please don't take this the wrong way!

Theamp4 12-04-2012 02:21 PM

Thanks for the feedback!

When I was writing it, I felt that something was off. I couldn't really put a finger on it... Body language has always been hard for me to write, coming from a place where speaking was the main way to get things across. The main purpose of the story isn't being revealed yet, mostly because I have not thought of it. This first chapter was meant as a meeting for the main characters and how it went.

I am definitely gonna have to spruce up the dialogue, and maybe cut some out... Gonna try and read what and how body language is and how it works as well.

I meant the smile as a smirk, miss-typed it XD

Auron was not in the war, and actually, he was oblivious of the war. Like I said, he is very vulnerable.
As well as for them being buddy buddy from the get-go, I don't see how. I think taking the mouth gesture out will probably fix that, but other than that, I see no other way of how they are being buddy buddy :c

Overall, at least thanks for reviewing it! It's very nice feedback!

Edit: I have editted the first chapter. I tried to trim up Riven's dialogue to something shorter, but I felt a sentence or two in there needed to stay. As for body language, I added some, though only because it was suggested. I will have to get used to it I guess. I tried to clarify various things as well, hope it worked.

kittytoast 12-04-2012 05:04 PM

I read both before and after your edits and I quite like what you've changed :) I think this is a great introductory chapter and I can't wait to see what story unfolds.

I like that you've made Riven strong and rough around the edges; this is a Riven I would respect, lol. And after the edits, I like it that she's not so quick to give a genuine smile. Also, in your first post, you mentioned her as exhibiting traits of PTSD. Will those kinds of symptoms be touched on in this story, just out of curiosity. I want to do therapy in the military one day, so I am extra excited if it is :P

ANYWHOO

Umm what else... Oh I think you're on a good track of keeping your OC pretty realistic. I like that he was afraid and unable to overpower her since he's not a fighter. Squishy summoner!

I think there could maybe be some more details. For example, what does Auron look like? I'm guessing you but we dunno what you look like :)

Something that might help with keeping dialogue straight (which I didn't realize until I was like... on chapter 4 of my story, lol) is to start a new paragraph when a different person is going to be speaking so that was it doesn't get confusing. I think there were only a couple of paragraphs where it was a little jumbled.

My only other suggestion would be to maybe separate the character's sections. When it switched from Riven pinning him to the tree and then him arriving at the Institute, it was a little distracting of a switch without some kind of demarcation. That might just be my end-of-semester-fried brain not working properly though. XD

I'm interested to see why it is that Auron doesn't know about what happened in Ionia. I find it plausible though. Most of the conflicts only took place along the south coast, so if he lived far away in the boonies or even on that tiny little island off of Ionia, it is totally believable.

Gah I'm a balls editor. Here's one sentence I would maybe change (but don't take my word for it; finals=technical writing=creativity out the window lol)

Quote:

His face hit the tree as his hand was wretched behind his back. The woman was yelling at him. “Great, just what I need…”

“You’re Ionian. Are you here to try and kill me?" He caught that when he returned to his senses. Auron struggled futilely to unwrap his arm, or to push off from the tree, but to no avail. She put more force on this arm, and he yelped in pain. “Please stop! I didn’t come to harm you!” Auron cried out in pain.
Suddenly he felt a hand seize the back of his head and, before he could fully comprehend what was happening, his face was pressed into the rough bark of the tree and his arm twisted painfully behind his back. Someone seemed to be shouting, and through the haze of his disorienting fear he caught a feminine voice saying, "You're Ionian. Are you here to try and kill me?"

Just what I need... Auron struggled futilely to unwrap his arm, or to push off from the tree, but to no avail. His assailant put more force on his arm, and he yelped in pain. “S-stop!" he cried. "I didn’t come to harm you!”


Take that suggestion with a grain of salt. My advice would be to combine sentences a little, but I've also been told I make sentences longer than they should be >.> But yeah, play around with sentence structure and junk like that.


Broseph, if you can make it through a few chapters, your writing will get better and better. Trust me! Besides, I think you're off to a smashing start!! Can't wait for more :)

TL;DR: I love it so far. You're gonna make me a fan of Riven.

W4ddleBuff 12-04-2012 05:10 PM

1 Attachment(s)
Nothing much to say; you have a nice writing style and the dialogue is well-written. Looking forward to more.

Theamp4 12-04-2012 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by W4ddleBuff (Hozzászólás 32093651)
Nothing much to say; you have a nice writing style and the dialogue is well-written. Looking forward to more.


I lol'd at that picture, and thanks for the compliment!

And thanks Kitty! That really means a lot coming from you T_T. I found out that I have a problem about not mixing up words a lot, so I use the same words a lot.

....like that. ANYWHO.

I can't believe I forgot to describe Auron! Good job me! ._.

Sentence Structure is usually my best concept for writing, dialogue and body language has never been my strong point though. I made it together on purpose, as to me it needed to be mixed up slightly due to perspective, now if your talking about separate whose perspective it is, then I can do that.

As for showing signs of PTSD? Idk really, that's just how I felt about how she is, like a big bundle of PTSD being held up.

I had some help from a friend as well who has given me some ideas for quite a few chapters, so be expecting more soon :D.

I have an idea for how I will put his description in. Probably through Riven's perspective though.

Frost Archer 12-04-2012 06:29 PM

Hey Kitty, that possible? Thought you hated her XD

Anyway, good job on starting your FF T4! However, looks like you tossed all of our advice out the window XD. What was the point about asking for it?

Could be interesting though. Keep it up. Could just be the one OCXRiv that does not antagonize everyone :}

Really wished it wasn't OCXChamp though...

Theamp4 12-04-2012 06:38 PM

Really the only thing I threw out was if I should use OC or not. That was out of the question :P

I knew from the start I was going to put myself in. I took the advice of not taking out flaws. Really the only think fabricated so far is Magic and time period.

Theamp4 12-05-2012 10:01 AM

Le Bump, working on the 2nd chapter right now!


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