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Pirateelfdog 06-17-2012 09:58 AM

Reviews?
 
Hey everyone!

I am working on a champion in Champion Suggestions, Cedric, the Blade's Anger. I, however, am not a good writer. I thought it would be a good idea to come to this forum to get some reviews on my lore. So, if you guys could give me some feedback, that would be great.

I'm open to everything, changes, criticisms, anything. Don't worry, I won't be offended.

4th draft:
Quote:

Lore for Cedric, the Blade's Anger:

Cedric had always been a swordsman. He fought with blades as early as 6, and by the time he was 10 he could beat every other swordsman in his village. Then he moved on, traveling all of Demacia. The only person who managed to beat him was Fiora, who disarmed him with out a thought. Cedric wasn' t disheartened though, already understanding that losing was a part of fighting. He simply spread out his travels to everywhere on the continent. He even managed to sneak into Noxus, and had his own small career there until he was discovered, named a public enemy and forced to leave before he was assassinated. This didn't stop him either. Everywhere he went, he gained reputations as one of, if not the best swordsman anyone had ever seen.

One day, while training privately at the Serpentine River, Cedric found himself at a place he had never been before. It was a hill with a fence around it. At the base stood an old man, who as soon as he saw Cedric shouted, "Turn away! This hill bears nothing but death for a swordsman!" Cedric took this as a challenge, and slashed down the fence. He turned back towards the old man, but he had disappeared. Cedric climbed up to the top of the hill where he saw, siting on a pedestal, a sword. He approached it cautiously, when suddenly the blade flew up on its own accord and flew at Cedric to decapitate him. The blade, fueled by some unknown force began to push upon the great swordsman defenses. Cedric’s instinct took over and he battled the blade, which was a better swordsman than any opponent he had fought in all of his travelings.

The fight lasted for hours as night fell, but Cedric couldn’t figure out how to defeat the inhuman opponent. He was also tiring. Finally, the sword managed to disarm the exhausted fighter. It thrust itself into his body, and Cedric crumpled, waiting for death.

But death did not come. As Cedric sank to the ground, the sword began to glow with a red light, feeding upon Cedric’s life. The red light seemed to surround Cedric, and then melted into him, filling his head with whispers. As the sun rose, Cedric pulled the blade from his chest with a crazed laugh. His wound healed instantly. The blade had spoken to him, corrupting him with its will and driving him to insanity. He focused, and the blade let out a blast of red energy it had stored from its killings. He felt power intense surge through him, and he laughed again.

Cedric traveled for a long time, feeding power in to his blade from the life forces of his defeated enemies. The more he fed it, the stronger it got. When he hear about the League, he joined without a second thought, ready to feed the sword all that he met.

Endless slaughter is not useless, if it has purpose. -Cedric, the Blade's Anger

3rd draft:
Quote:

Lore for Cedric, the Blade's Anger:

Cedric had always been a swordsman. He fought with blades as early as 6, and by the time he was 10 he could beat every other swordsman in his village. Then he moved on, traveling all of Demacia. The only person who managed to beat him was Fiora, who disarmed him with out a thought. Cedric wash' t disheartened though, already understanding that losing was a part of fighting. He simply spread out his travels to everywhere on the continent. He even managed to sneak into Noxus, and had his own small career there until he was discovered, named a public enemy and forced to leave before he was assassinated. This didn't stop him either. Everywhere he went, he gained reputations as one of, if not the best swordsman anyone had ever seen.

One day, while wandering around Serpentine River, Cedric came to a place he had never been before. It was a hill with a fence around it. At the base stood an old man, who as soon as he saw Cedric shouted, "Turn away! This hill bears nothing but death for swordsman!" Cedric took this as a challenge, and slashed down the fence. He turned back towards the old man, but he had disappeared. Cedric climbed up to the top of the hill where he saw, siting on a pedestal, a sword. He approached it cautiously, when suddenly the blade flew up on its own accord and flew at him. Cedric’s instinct took over and he battled the blade, which was a better swordsman than any opponent he had fought in all of his travelings.

The fight lasted for hours as night fell, but Cedric couldn’t figure out how to defeat the inhuman opponent. He was also tiring. Finally, the sword managed to disarm the exhausted fighter. It thrust itself into his body, and Cedric crumpled, waiting for death.

But death did not come. As Cedric sank to the ground, the sword began to glow with a red light, feeding upon Cedric’s life. The red light seemed to surround Cedric, and then melted into him, filling his head with whispers. As the sun rose, Cedric pulled the blade from his chest with a crazed laugh. His wound healed instantly. The blade had spoken to him, corrupting him with its will and driving him to insanity. He focused, and the blade let out a blast of red energy it had stored from its killings. He felt power intense surge through him, and he laughed again.

Cedric traveled for a long time, feeding power in to his blade from the life forces of his defeated enemies. The more he fed it, the stronger it got. When he hear about the League, he joined without a second thought, ready to feed the sword all that he met.

Endless slaughter is not useless, if it has purpose. -Cedric, the Blade's Anger
2nd draft:
Quote:

Lore for Cedric, the Blade's Anger:

Cedric had always been a swordsman. He fought with blades as early as 6, and by the time he was 10 he could beat every other swordsman in his village. Then he moved on, traveling all of Demacia and every other town he could find. He even managed to sneak into Noxus, and had his own small career there until he was discovered and sent out. Everywhere he went, he gained reputations as the best swordsman anyone had ever seen.

One day, while wandering around Serpentine River, Cedric came to a place he had never been before. It was a hill with a fence around it. At the base stood an old man, who as soon as he saw Cedric shouted, "Turn away! This hill bears nothing but death for swordsman!" Cedric took this as a challenge, and slashed down the fence. He turned back towards the old man, but he had disappeared. Cedric climbed up to the top of the hill where he saw, siting on a pedestal, a sword. He approached it cautiously, when suddenly the blade flew up on its own accord and flew at him. Cedric’s instinct took over and he battled the blade, which was a better swordsman than any opponent he had fought in all of his travelings.

The fight lasted for hours as night fell, but Cedric couldn’t figure out how to defeat the inhuman opponent. He was also tiring. Finally, the sword managed to disarm the exhausted fighter. It thrust itself into his body, and Cedric crumpled, waiting for death.

But death did not come. As Cedric sank to the ground, the sword began to glow with a red light, feeding upon Cedric’s life. The red light seemed to surround Cedric, and then melted into him, filling his head with whispers. As the sun rose, Cedric pulled the blade from his chest with a crazed laugh. His wound healed instantly. The blade had spoken to him, corrupting him with its will and driving him to insanity. He focused, and the blade let out a blast of red energy it had stored from its killings. He felt power intense surge through him, and he laughed again.

Cedric traveled for a long time, feeding power in to his blade from the life forces of his defeated enemies. The more he fed it, the stronger it got. When he hear about the League, he joined without a second thought, ready to feed the sword all that he met.

Endless slaughter is not useless, if it has purpose. -Cedric, the Blade's Anger
1st draft was:
Quote:

Cedric had always been a swordfighter. He quickly rose to the top during his life in Demacia, and then moved on, traveling Demacia, Noxus, and anywhere else he could travel. Everywhere he went he fought, and every fight he won.

One day, Cedric came to a place he had never been before. It was a hill with a fence around it, and a sign that read “SWORDSMAN BEWARE.” Cedric took this as a challenge, and slashed down the fence. He climbed up to the top of the hill where he saw, siting on a pedestal, a sword. He approached it cautiously, when suddenly the blade flew up on its own accord and flew at him. Cedric’s instinct took over and he battled the blade, which was a better swordsman than any opponent he had fought.

The fight lasted for hours as night fell, but Cedric couldn’t figure out how to defeat the sword. He was also tiring. Finally, the sword managed to disarm Cedric. It thrust itself into his body, and Cedric crumpled, waiting for death.

But death did not come. As Cedric sank to the ground, the sword began to glow with a red light, feeding upon Cedric’s life. The red light seemed to seep into Cedric, filling his head with whispers. As the sun rose, Cedric pulled the blade from his chest. His wound healed instantly. The blade had spoken to him, corrupting him and driving him insane. He focused, and the blade let out a blast of energy it had stored. He felt power surge through him.

Cedric traveled for a long time, feeding power in to his blade. The more he fed it, the stronger it got. When he hear about the League, he joined without a second thought, ready to feed the sword all that he met.

Endless slaughter is not useless, if it has purpose. -Cedric, the Blade's Anger

Magister Gir 06-17-2012 10:07 AM

hmm the writing is good but you could say he "Snuck" or "disguised himself" to go into Noxus because I'm pretty certain they wouldn't let a Demacian in so easily. Go into detail about his youth or how he became so good because saying he's just a swordfighter doesn't really fit it for a lore background to state how powerful this person is... you could also throw in a few loses saying he just mastered it then what type of sword he uses two handed or single usually actually helps out in telling what kind of character this may appear as well because it would be wierd to have a scrawny guy swinging around a large two handed claymore

Pirateelfdog 06-17-2012 10:21 AM

ok, thank you very much for that.

Pirateelfdog 06-20-2012 03:17 PM

shameless self-bump

TastyBeeBurgers 06-20-2012 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pirateelfdog (Hozzászólás 25471518)
Lore for Cedric, the Blade's Anger:

Cedric had always been a swordfighter. He quickly rose to the top during his life in Demacia, and then moved on, traveling Demacia, Noxus, and anywhere else he could travel. Everywhere he went he fought, and every fight he won.

There's some minor grammatical erros here and there, but what this paragraph leaves me wondering is what he rose to the top of. Was there some kind of swordsmen's circuit, or did he just go from one random person to the next and challange them to duels? Make sure to insert snippets of details here and there.

I'd also like to know where Cedric learned to be a sword fighter. Was her trained by someone, or did he learn by doing and was just naturally tallented?



One day, Cedric came to a place he had never been before. It was a hill with a fence around it, and a sign that read “SWORDSMAN BEWARE.” Cedric took this as a challenge, and slashed down the fence. He climbed up to the top of the hill where he saw, siting on a pedestal, a sword. He approached it cautiously, when suddenly the blade flew up on its own accord and flew at him. Cedric’s instinct took over and he battled the blade, which was a better swordsman than any opponent he had fought.

This is a good premise for a short bit of lore. Cedric's Hubris is obviously what gets him in this situation. However, you might want to add subtly. "Swordsman Beware," is a little vague. It could be a cursed blade that's going to jump to life and murder him, or it could be an active volcano.

You want your threat to be more vague and mpre specific at the same time. If the sign says "Dange ahead," then Cdric doesn't have the same prideful apearence than if you give an alternative, such as "Unwinnable Challange over there."

Actually, if you want, you could have someone tell Cedric that he will find exactly what he seeks at the top of the hill. Alternatively, have this warning seek him out.


The fight lasted for hours as night fell, but Cedric couldn’t figure out how to defeat the sword. He was also tiring. Finally, the sword managed to disarm Cedric. It thrust itself into his body, and Cedric crumpled, waiting for death.

One thing you could change in this section is how often you use the words "Cedric," and "sword." You can always use Pronouns like "him, his, and he," and "it," to keep your sentences frome becoming repetitive. Alternatively, you can use descriptives to add color to your phrases. Instead of "the sword," try something like, "the phantom blade," or "inhuman opponent." Instead of "Cedric," try something like, "indominable swordsman," or "peerless fighter."

But death did not come. As Cedric sank to the ground, the sword began to glow with a red light, feeding upon Cedric’s life. The red light seemed to seep into Cedric, filling his head with whispers. As the sun rose, Cedric pulled the blade from his chest. His wound healed instantly. The blade had spoken to him, corrupting him and driving him insane. He focused, and the blade let out a blast of energy it had stored. He felt power surge through him.

In this paragraph, you've left me wondering what kind of insanity the sword gives to Cedric. Is it filling him with its will? Does it just want to cut things? Here is an excellent oppertunity to use adjectives and descriptives. Go into detail, very fine detail, so we know just how evil/crazy/violent Cedric has become.

Also, and this is just me nitpicking, in your third sentence, you say: "The red light seemed to seep into..." When you say seeped, you're changing your perspective. inittially this seems to be set from either Cedric's perspective, or an impartial viewer. By saying "seemed," you change the perspective to someone observing the situation, but who is a part of the story. But that's just the grammar nazi in me :).


Cedric traveled for a long time, feeding power in to his blade. The more he fed it, the stronger it got. When he hear about the League, he joined without a second thought, ready to feed the sword all that he met.

What you've left your readers wondering here, is what exactly the sword is feeding upon. It's implied that he's offing people and that feeds the sword. Does it souls, or blood, or jusrt violence? These are the things we want to know.

Endless slaughter is not useless, if it has purpose. -Cedric, the Blade's Anger



Looking back, some of that might come off as harsh. I didn't write it with that in mind. I meant it to be constructive. Nor do I think that I have the right to tell you how to write. These are just some suggetions from one writer to another. I hope this was helpful. :)

Pirateelfdog 06-21-2012 01:44 PM

Thank you for going into to detail, I will implement the changes.

Pirateelfdog 06-22-2012 01:43 PM

Any more feedback on my second draft?

Pirateelfdog 06-23-2012 12:11 PM

bump

Bliztron 06-23-2012 04:12 PM

never have seen you before. I don't know if you've seen me (as I've been taking a 2 week break) but I have a 29 champion compendium that has a ew really liked conceprts. Now, I don't feel like writing lore (As I'm lazy), but I do kinda want to review your champion! So, be expecting a full out review (if you've never seen me search my name in the forum). I may slack off but ust be patient

Pirateelfdog 06-24-2012 07:47 AM

Thank you. I know who you are now... ;)


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